"You' framing, TMI smartwatch home page, copy briefs are not for me
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Tip: use "you"
A good rule of thumb is to frame your sentences as “you” sentences.
For example, “the pen is red” would change to “you can mark up documents with this red pen.” The "you" can be implied, too - IE, you could just write "mark up documents with this red pen."
(Nerds will know that the "pen is red" sentence is a declarative sentence, while the "mark up documents" sentence is an imperative sentence. I'll be honest with you: I had to look these terms up.)
Anyway: there are two good reasons to do this. The first is that it makes your sentences more active. It puts your reader right in the action, rather than passively describing a thing that exists. Describing what someone can do with something is generally a lot more persuasive than just telling them about that thing.
The other reason is a bit bigger: it forces you as the writer to figure out who “you” is! If you’re putting the reader at the heart of the sentence, you then need to figure out what that reader would want to know. I’ve often found myself in situations where changing a declarative sentence to a “you” sentence reveals gaps in my knowledge about the reader - gaps that I then need to go out and fill.
Can be kind of annoying, but the end product is a way better, more persuasive bit of copy. So give it a go!
Example: packing too much in the above-the-fold
The above the fold bit of your home page is the first bit that people see before they scroll. So you really need to make good use of it - it's your chance to grab their attention and show them what you do and why you're worth working with. If you fail to do this, they'll just leave your website.
These high stakes can be a bit stressful, and one way that companies (mistakenly) respond is to pack this small area with every conceivable piece of information imaginable.
Which brings me to smart watch maker Carbinox. Their above-the-fold section is. . .a lot. Check it out:
We've got:
A line about delivery (fast and secure)
TWO headline statements (“designed by tough workers, for tough workers” and “we’ve redefined the smartwatch”)
Social proof (30k+ 5 star reviews)
Two pictures of the watch
Exhausting to type all that out!
Could use some tightening up.
I’d trim it down to:
A single headline (I like “designed by tough workers, for tough workers”. I’d probably clarify that it’s a smartwatch too.)
A single picture of the watch (the one in the middle of the page is good)
The social proof line about 30k+ five star reviews is great - I’d leave it
I’d get rid of the line about fast, secure delivery. This is kind of expected, and at the moment, lots of delivery is not fast, thanks to supply chain problems outside of Carbinox’s control
That would give people enough information to keep scrolling, and buy now if they’re already sold, without overwhelming them with too much.
As it is, it's all a bit of a cacophony - and rather than giving people information they need to buy, it just becomes white noise.
Thought: Not a huge fan of big written briefs
I'm not a huge fan of elaborate briefs - big documents that capture what a client needs from me, the info about their audience, etc and soforth.
For one, they put a lot of work onto the client. For some pieces of work, the effort of filling out a massive brief is not much less effort than just writing it themselves.
It also forces the client to do all the thinking - and anything they don’t think about when they fill out the doc, doesn’t get captured. That means I’m not really helping them solve any problems, I’m just functioning as a typist. Not really adding much value.
So here’s what I do instead: rather than insist on a big document, I just have a conversation. I figure out what they’re trying to do, the problems they’re trying to solve, how their business makes money, etc and soforth.
Then I write the brief. After all, I’m the one who’s going to do the work - it makes sense for me to also scope that work.
This creates better briefs, a better output and less bureaucratic form-filling for my clients. Works for me. Might work for you too.
(Notable exception: landing page reviews. Those are a 10-question form. But I always give the option of a conversation instead).
That's all for today. Hope you enjoyed. As always, hit reply and tell me your thoughts.
Sam
PS: If you like this newsletter, the absolute best thing you can do is to forward it on. Anyone who needs to use writing to persuade people to do something will get value out of this newsletter.
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